Okay allow me to have a baby bitch fit for a second and then I'll drop it.. I have now started and completed two different blog posts that have in old college freak out fashion, been deleted without saving. I am LIVID, yet I cannot be too upset because this has allowed me to create two completely different journal entries.. The first one was a woah is me to my internal timeline that only seemed to start just two short years ago when I came out. (If you're interested in reading that, let me know.. if not.. cool, either way I worked through a shit ton of internalized homophobia) The other one I started writing just two hours ago.. (it's 8:55pm currently) That blog post was written as a reflection of the week I've had, and I think I am going to stay on this train of thought.
Buckle up.. I am about to use the words 'this week' and 'training' so many times.
This week is finally unwinding (as is for all of you) and I find myself exhausted, yet so fucking excited. This is the week I have been waiting on for months now.. (I just have to acknowledge that River by Miley Cyrus is playing and I'm having a mini concert at my kitchen table.. carry on) I've been waiting for this week, I've been non stop talking about this week, I've been saving money for this week, I've been changing for this week. (I was going to say altering my entire existence for this week, but that felt dramatic lol)
For those that don't know, this week marks the start of my 200 hour yoga teacher training. I can see how this experience is going to completely transform my practice and mindset as a whole, and it's only the beginning.
Today, I found my anxiety coming at me full force in the place I go to release it. These 7 strangers and myself all had to go around our circle of colorful yoga mats and tell each other about ourselves. I know you may not believe it, but this was the moment my throat dropped to my stomach.. A Leo not wanting to talk about themselves? CRAZY I KNOW..
This hasn't always been the case for me though. Through the past 4-6 months of what I'd consider my self discovery era, I've realized, A LOT. In my 27 years of life I have finally started to unravel and find my true self by taking off the mask. You may know me as this loud, extraverted, center of attention person (did I say beautiful?) when in reality, I am an extraverted introvert. Don't get me wrong... If Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry plays on touch tunes, you will be hearing me scream ALRIGHTTTTTT!!
Anyways.. Back to my anxiety! My anxiety started to flood all throughout my body while these individuals were talking about themselves.. I heard them, but my chest started to tighten more and more while my introduction inched closer. This group is filled with brilliant educators, musicians, engineers, medical professionals, etc. Here I was about to announce that I am a bartender and my hobbies are thrifting and going on walks.. Why does this make me anxious? Why am I embarrassed? (I'm going to blame this one on societies timeline. The timeline that maps out our late 20's. The timeline that states we should have that corporate 9-5 job by now. The timeline that we should be married with kids.. let alone in a relationship, blah blah blah, we've heard it all before)
Suddenly, these 7 strangers were asking me questions that actually puzzled together components of what makes me, me. And just like that (insert Carrie Bradshaw voice) my anxiety started to lift and being vulnerable didn't seem to send me into Fight/Flight/Freeze. I found myself throughout training, asking questions and not being afraid to sound stupid in front of them. These strangers are the very reason that I worked up this inward confidence to express myself and question, learn, be curious. And for that strangers, I am grateful for you.
I think this is the very reason I fell in love with yoga. The safe space it provides to authentically express ones physical and emotional baggage without judgment. A place where you can drop your mat along with dropping everything that matters/mattered at the door. Being surrounded by safe strangers. Having the ability to set intentions for the following week or even just that 60 minutes you're in that studio. Creative ability to flip or modify the practice that suits your own needs.
I could go on and on, but for those strangers, for the instructors, for safe space, for the community surrounding me. I thank you!
Namaste.
First Day of Training Picture.
Side notes to this week:
Read the book Verity (the note.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME)
I broke no contact (closure conversation) with my ex girlfriend
Cried
Went on a walk without a winter coat because it was 30 degrees
Hung out with some pretty spectacular friends (you know who you are)
Thrifted a lava lamp
Anxious cleaned my apartment
Full moon was in Leo
Full moon ritual
Didn't take my vitamins
Asked my crush to hang out..
Got denied. (kind of, but I'm not going to stop trying)
Learned how to ride public transit
May have a spirit in my apartment due to my release ritual taking place indoors
Sent a nude
Ate yogurt in the shower
Downloaded a dating app (AWFUL)
Facetimed my sister
Therapy
Used the Satisfyer (click link in my last post.. I'm not joking)
My ex boyfriend reached out
Had a long conversation about what makes something Kosher
Lots of yoga
So, can you see why a bitch is tired?
At least I'm no longer angry about my posts disappearing into the ether!!
It's currently 11:11, so I think this may be a good place to end this journal entry. Again, you are welcome for having the opportunity to have an inside look to my personal journal and I'll even say my brain. But also, thank you for reading and being along for this beautiful messy ride I call navigating my 20's.
*I am 34 days without alcohol, so for this starting as a beer blog I giggle.. I raise my cup of tea, my emotional support water bottle, and also my caffeine addiction to you all *
Cheers Honey,
Mika